[

mood

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distressed

]

Who can i vent to without me getting pissed or someone else getting pissed? Right now I think i'm just pissed in general, but I hate that no one understands me on this one.

Now this is probably the worst place to post something like this, but there is a better chance of someone reading this blog rather than my livejournal. Not that it matters that anyone reads this, but i think it just helps me out knowing that the odds are better. The notion of my conflicting thoughts being read is more therapeutic than writing plainly for only my eyes to see.

Cutting to the chase: Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but it's fucking ruining my life. I hold it in such high regard, but too high of a regard so that its all i fucking think about. I'm slowly becoming a loser; I can't speak, i can't think straight, i have no more creative outlet, i am simply demotivated.

I understand that my thoughts about this subject will offend my nuclear "family," but it is definitely something i feel strongly about. I don't know what it is, but whoever i talk to about this seems to think that my problem is not a problem at all. They say it's simply me being lazy. Call it me being me, if you will. Perhaps i'm just a demotivated person in general and i always have been, but damn it i just don't feel right anymore.

Granted, nothing makes me feel more right or more at peace. Wait a second, that's a total lie. I feel paranoid as fuck every time. Why do i continue it? A simple game of scrabble can send me down a dark tunnel of anxiety. What are the perks? I suppose you could say it helps me relax, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When i do it all i can feel is an element of fear. Nobody else understands this. I mean, I tell people, but they just think i'm crazy. Nobody else feels the fear? I find it hard to believe that i am the only individual who feels that. And why am i still doing it if it makes me feel this way? It's an addiction, maybe. Not maybe, DEFINITELY! I am psychologically addicted. Is regular life that boring that i need to go ahead and make it frightening?

It's the fear that keeps me from doing the things i want to be doing. I need to find some sort of hobby to keep my mind occupied, but i fucking hate everything! Is that another branch from the problematic trunk? Do i hate everything because i have forgotten how to enjoy something without it?

I left Teddy's tonight because i just wanted to be alone. Maybe that's what i need, more alone time. More ME time. More time to do the things that i would normally do if i were alone. Maybe I don't write anymore because i used to do it to pass the time. Now that my time is occupied with something else i have no need to waste it.

Maybe tonight is all i need. This will be the first time in a long while that i will spend the night alone in my room. Something about this feels really gratifying. And please don't be offended, understand this if anything. A person, when feeling aggravated and in a war-like state of mind needs to set off dynamite. I can't be blowing shit up in someone else's house.

(Disclaimer: Please don't be offended) I forget how comforting my room is. I love it so much in here. This is a spawn of my creation and it brings me such peace of mind and comfort being here. Sure it's a little messy right now, but it's my mess. Everything is in it's right place even though its on the floor. The only person to complain about this mess is me and right now i don't give two shits, I actually like it. There is so much of my character here and it must feel lonely without me here. The walls must weep when i leave, but they straighten themselves up when my car pulls up. They don't want me to see them in their most vulnerable state. It will be a shame when the day comes where i'll have to pack all of this shit up and say goodbye forever. Good lord, that thought depresses me. I love being with my family, but I know that my room is always here waiting for me if need be. Tonight i needed it... desperately.

I want my words back. I want my dreams back. I never did anything i sought out to do after highschool. I had so many visions of how i would feel and be at this point in my life, but i have let all of my ambitions run right past me. I've hit a brick wall and i want to tear it down. I need a little adventure, a little excitement. I want something amazing to happen and i don't want to feel any repercussion. Sometimes i feel like all i do is piss someone off. Whatever i do, i feel like someone is either mad at me or i'm making an ass out of myself. Don't ask me to explain this any further. I can explain it further, but i wont. This dilemma is a little too personal for a myspace blog. This dilemma is something to be written in a secret place.

Good lord, i want to be a part of something remarkably creative. I want to be a part of the entertainment industry, but i dont know where i would fit in, or what i am qualified to do. I stopped editing so I'm out of the loop with that. I stopped making digital art, i stopped writing, i stopped everything i always wanted to roll with creatively. I want to write something epic. I wish i had an amazing story i could tell, but I suppose i'm not that of an amazing person. I don't do anything worthy of the interest of the masses.

Perhaps i've lost all of my passion. I am telling you, its not my age, its not the state i am in, its the fucking trunk, man! I am too demotivated to even be passionate about anything. I'm studying for my first Actuarial exam, and granted as i am slowly getting better at Probability, i don't feel passionate about it. It's fun to sit there and try to figure out problems, but is that really what i want to be doing? Shouldn't i have more of a liking for the path i've chosen? Is my theory of "floating like a feather in the breeze" biting me in the ass? The wind is taking this feather and landing me in a fucking pillow factory. I'm going to be stuffed into a half polyester, half cotton lining with the rest of the sheep and be sewn into a dark world i don't think i want to be in.

Still, i press on though. I'm not totally convinced that its going to ruin my life or anything, but i wish there was a little more adventure in what i'm going to be doing. My ideal job would be to help make movies. Doing what exactly? I dont know. All i know is i want to be a part of something totally creative and i want to feel the satisfaction of knowing that i am proud of my work. I'm not exactly the sharpest math tool in the shed. Sure i am alright at problem solving, but when it comes to adding or subtracting quickly in my head i'm a fucking moron. And it fucking kills me inside every time someone says to me "aren't you a math major?" Yea i'm a math major, and i'll kick your ass in a differentiation contest, but ask me to subtract $25.34 from $100 and i freeze Hand me a calculator and i'll tell you how the world spins, but don't ask me what you might ask a 4th grader.

(Disclaimer 2: Some serious egomaniacal shit coming up) I want to be a model, truly and honestly, but i'm too fat. My waist isn't small enough to do the modeling i want to do. Plus I'm a little freaked out. I think i waited too long and now there's no hope. By the time i finally get my waist the right size i'll be too old. I already am too old. I think i waited too long to be "discovered" and it never happened so I've given up. I made it to the top 10 in NYC at the America's Next Top Model tryouts, but i wasn't well spoken enough, i guess. Maybe they didn't like my freckles. Maybe i should have gone to the taping more prepared than i was. I figured i would just get up there and wing it, but when the camera started rolling i realized how uninteresting i am to most people. Being from New Jersey and liking to travel and rollerblade is not something Tyra Banks wants to hear about. She wants to hear that i was raped and beaten as a child or something and that i've overcome my obstacles. I guess they don't want some chick who might be a math major, but doesn't like to talk about it. A girl who has had some bad things happen in the past, but would never in a million years go on TV revealing all of it. That's just not my style. Or maybe it was the suggestion, "Tell Tyra why you're amazing!" that threw me off a little bit. Because i seriously tried to think of why i am amazing. Couldn't think of one thing. They'aint nothing amazing about this chick here.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a self loathing piece of shit who shouldn't be alive in the first place. I'm just looking for the right path. I know nothing is going to be handed to me, but i just want a little break. I want to skies to open up just once and give me the tiniest shred of opportunity to do something amazing. So far the only thing i have going for me is my trip out west.

That's definitely something i'm passionate about, trunk (metaphor) problems or not; Traveling. I want to see everything i possibly can in this lifetime and nothing, not even the trunk, can stop me. I'm too set in my ways about this. I manage to get enough done, which is minimal at this point in time, to experience as much of the world as possible. Perhaps i'm still waiting for that life altering epiphany that might get somewhere on the road. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Maybe one of these days i will get the trunk under control and who knows, maybe i might rediscover a dormant passion that will sculpt a brighter tomorrow.

[

mood

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working

]

I'm at work pretending like i'm actually doing something. I have "pretend" work minimized so when someone walks by all i have to do is change windows. God damn, i'm sly.

SO what's been up with me, you ask? Well, i'm almost positive you can guess what's been up. If you said NOTHING, you were correct. The summer is raging on and I work only a couple of hours a day which is really sweet, but i'm pretty poor. I'm managing to save enough to go on the cross-country trip this summer, but that's about all i have. I simply cannot wait for this trip to begin. We are going to own the desert, man. Own it till it fucking cries out for its mommy. We are going to be living on the edge of the american dream. The kick over the edge would be an assortment of uppers, downers, anything snorted, injected or absorbed rectally. Too bad i'm not the druggy type, because, dammit, I would be on top of that shit.

Here's the lowdown:
Camp in Illinois
Stay with friends in Colorado
Camp in Utah
Stay with relatives in San Francisco
Stay with friends in Los Angeles
Stay at the Circus-Circus in Las Vegas
Camp at the Grand Canyon (wake up at sunrise)
Camp in Oklahoma
Camp in Indiana
Then back home.

I have been dreaming about this trip ever since freshman year of college. I can't beleive that it's actually going down. It is going to make me a complete person, i think. Cuz lord knows how incomplete i am. I'm as incomplete as this coffee is in front of me. Sure it's milky and caffeinated, but an extra teaspoon of artificial sweetner would have done the trick.

Alright, i lied. The coffee I just finished had a beautiful blend of both coffee, milk and sugar from the cane, but i needed an analogy. How about: I'm as incomplete as my grade in 9th grade gym class. Better. At least i'm truer to myself. However, i don't think i got an incomplete in that class... as much as i deserved it. No more analogies. (Analogies - ogies = ?????)

So BlogTV is really fun. I think all useless friday nights are going to be spent broadcasting around the world. Me, kaitlin, jeff and zotto spend last friday doing just that. It's really addicting.

I saw The Happening in the theater on sunday. I liked the idea, i liked what Shamalana-ding-dong was going for, but it was poorly executed, poorly cast, poorly injected with poorly written jokes. Nobody can stay ahead of the wind, god damn it! Stick to your red doors and naked red heads in pools, M. Knight! You're not so good at this green shit.

Boy, Full House is a great show. I can't wait for the episode where Uncle Jessie and Kimmy Gibler have sex on Uncle Joey's bed and ruin his Poppeye bedsheets. I was taken back by that one when i first saw it at age 10, but after my sister explained it to me i realized that sexual intercourse is a natural engagement, but what of his Poppeye bedsheets? Will he ever get the stain out?

I can't think of anything else to write about. Perhaps i should continue in describing how difficult it is to find topics to discuss.

So i'm wearing a broken watch. Don't ask me what time it is, because i won't be able to tell you. Am i a weirdo for setting the time to 7:06? Do you know why i set it to 7:06? Because it is the equivalent to 6:66. If nothing else, that makes me a fucked up individual. I should have kept that knowledge to myself, but i'm a fucking sell out, i like to boast about how cool i am.

You're not cool, you're fuckin chilly, Kelly. Only dumb asses and Bob Dole refer to themselves in the third person. Alright, that's fine, but what will happen when they stop talking? When who stops talking? The voices from beyond, of course. I don't know what will happen. I suppose things would be a lot quieter. I could actually get some reading done. You know, they have pills for that. Don't worry, it's just the coffee. Oh i'm not worrying i'm just looking out for you, man. Thank's dude, it's nice to know that you care about my well-being. Any time.

I think some serious rollerblading is in order to expel this energy. 5 miles today, perhaps? o0o Maybe 4 miles and then a round of tennis. That sounds even better.

I'm going to end this journal entry with a quote from Ken: "Remember when you started reading this sentence?"

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mood

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sad

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So I think i am officially depressed again. School is killing me in more ways than one. On average, i am a C student this semester which is absolutely terrible. I put so many hours into homework that i can't do correctly, studying for quizzes/tests that i end up bombing, and sitting in class on the verge of tears. I cry when i can't understand the material. I do a lot of crying.

I had to go to my teachers office to discuss my test that i got a D+ on. I couldn't stop my lip from trembling and i had to FIGHT to keep the tears back. Not only this, but i feel like i don't have any respect from my teachers at all. I used to be really good at school and my teachers would look to me for answers, but i feel like all of them just look at me now like i shouldn't be there. And they are probably right! "Well, why don't you just try harder, Kelly?" If i tried any harder i would be dead. I am in way over my head. Why the hell am i a math major!? Carolyn's mother put it best when she said she was a math major but switched because if she was going to major at something she wanted to excel at it and she wasn't excelling in math. It's too late for me to do anything now. I'm screwed. I'm stuck in this major and now i am regretting it fully. My GPA went from 3.8 to 3.3, and after this semester it will probably be 3.1. I really screwed myself. I wasted my mother and fathers money. I hate all of the jobs available for math students. I always told myself I'd rather be dead then end up working in the insurance industry, the most boring industry alive, i think. Now it's all i have. What happened to wanting to work in the entertainment industry? What happened to my dreams? I don't have any anymore. I'm a waste of life. And i am hating myself lately for making stupid decisions.

I watched the first episode of the new season of America's Next Top Model. The girl i auditioned with made it all the way. She was beautiful in person and she is, i think, the most beautiful on the show this cycle. I am going to be really pissed if they cut her hair. . I'm rooting for her.

It's snowing like hell and my father called me out of work, but i can't do anything so its not all that great. I have been wanting to go to the mall and get new jeans. I wear the same two pairs of jeans every day and i think its time i got at least 3 more pairs. But God doesn't want me to do that today. Or ever.

Boy, i am just sad sad sad today. I have been depressed all week. I'm scared all over again about my future. If i want to become an actuary i need to take two tests so i have a leg up on people. When the hell am i going to find time to study for and take two Actuary tests? That sounds fucking awful to me. Not to mention, i don't want to be a fucking actuary! I don't even know what an actuary is for God's sake.

My dream job would be somewhere in NYC, even if i have to commute. I want to be involved with a magazine or a production company or a television show. I want my creative juices to flow and my communication skills to flourish. I want to make enough money so i can buy my own clothes. I feel extremely poor these days. I feel like i look like shit these days too. I hate the cold weather so i haven't exercised in God knows how long. There was a point when i was running 16 miles a week on the treadmill, but i got bored of that quickly and i simply don't have the time anymore. The only time i would be able to do anything would be after 11pm. And I am not a morning person so waking up is out of the question. I have been watching what i eat, but that only helps slightly. I really need to work my muscles if i want to see any results. I eat a piece of fruit in the morning, a big bowl of baby spinach and cherry tomatoes for lunch, chicken, rice and a vegetable for dinner, and strawberries, chocolate weight watcher pops, and bagel chips for dessert. When i turned 21 i went from 130 to 138. Now i'm back to 134 which is good, but i'll never be 130 again if i don't start being more active. I can't wait for the spring. REBIRTH! I might actually wake up in the mornings and run around the lake then. It will be worth it. I will feel better about myself.

I wish i had the time to read too. I wish i read more in general. But by the end of the day, when im finished with my homework and can finally wind down, all i want to do is watch TV. I don't want my brain to think anymore or be exercised any more. Maybe i am so stressed out because i am cramming 13 credits of straight up advanced math courses in this semester, plus another GNED course which requires way too much work for the grade. When i mentioned i had 4 math classes to my complex variables class they commented that it must be really hard. At the time (in the beginning of the semester) i was thinking 'eh, it's not that bad.' But it's killing me now. And i have come to the conclusion that i am a failure. This can't be healthy. I had high hopes after last semester. All of those aspirations have come crashing down and i've come to the realization that i am no longer happy about what i'm doing. I wish i could rewind and approach everything differently. I am sick of these 12-13 hour work-days that i hate living. Maybe if it was something i enjoyed more or excelled at it would be a pleasure.

I make a lot less money than i used to as well. I only make about $300 a month which is all well and good, but its hard to save up for a trip. I dished out $700 for me and teddy to go to Disney World in March, but now I'm broke. I have about $100 to my name and that is an unpleasant feeling. I fear that i won't have enough money to do anything over the summer. I can't afford bonaroo tickets for another couple of months. However, i am REALLY looking forward to our Disney Trip. It's the only thing keeping me trucking. Without that trip in the back of my mind i would have been hairless a long time ago.

This week i have been so swamped with school that i haven't been able to hang out with my friends. I feel like i haven't seen them in forever. And i haven't. I haven't seen Roxanne since... i don't even remember. I think it was at Carolyn's house like 2 weeks ago. And i went to dinner with Car last friday, but haven't really chilled since 2 weeks ago either. I need to wind down and get drunk with them soon. I'm a loser now with no life and it has got to stop.

I wish i was happy. I wish the direction in which i am headed had a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it seems like i'll be miserable for the rest of my life. I'll never be happy with my career. I know it's cynical, but i can't help it. It's all to much of a wake up call saying "you chose the wrong path, Kelly. Do something while you still can." There is nothing i can do. I'm stuck. I'm screwed.

[

mood

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geeky

]

(my tenses are messed up, i'm still not sure whether this is the past or present.. and obviously this is all out of order.. just thoughts)

It started to rain. This was the first thing she could remember. The skies were clear but sparks fell from above. When they hit the ground they exploded into little beads of color and collected into pools alongside her bed. The air smelt of burning trees. The man on the roof is most aware of this. His flasks, big and small, have been placed strategically about to collect the strange phenomenon falling from the sky.

Everything is different now. The world is nothing like what it used to be. The air is thick and smells of burning leaves. The forests have caught fire in the terrential downpour and the rivers are drying up leaving lime residue in their banks.

For a moment the world went bright. Happier times are never to come again for the second sun has made crisp the delicate buds of may. They cheer not the sick children, but make a fresh spice for the stew. Which is more important?

Is this a part of the test? To see how long i can stand being amidst the end of days? Am i supposed to stay confined to this hospital bed? I can't stand the thought of it. Just the though makes my blood boil. The minutes pass and the realization sets in that there are no minutes. The rust stains in the ceiling are creeping down the walls, lurching on the floor, and multiplying again and again.

His footsteps shake the structure and it starts to rain shards of metal and paint into eyes that cannot close. She can hear the snap of a rubber glove and suddenly there is musky breath on her shoulder.

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mood

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nervous

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I'm at work right now, on some down time. I wanted to get on here eventually and write about Me and Teddy's trip to Atlantic City. I don't know if i want to get into all of that right now, but soon.

So i have two tests later on tonight. One in Calculus III and one in Probability. I'm not so worried about that Calc one, but i'm definitely scared about Probability. It's my worst class, but hopefully by some miracle i'll be able to pull through with at least a B. I studied to the best of my ability and that's all i can do. I'm not sure you can really call what i did studying, more of just looking at the babble i wrote down and not really understanding. The midterm review was semi-easy, but he'll probably pull problems out of the far reaches of space for the real thing. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to the all mighty, which is the best thing i can do at this point so i guess that means im fucked.

Top model never called. Judging by this season i don't think i'm right for them anyway, no biggie. It's probaby better to have not been chosen. I probably won't go try out again either. I think there are too many perks for not getting on the show. It seems like people are losing interest in the show and the quality is slowly going downhill. Too many people make fun of it... I'm saved from ridicule.

The weeks are going by so fast these days. It seems like its always thursday. I hate thursdays. I guess that's not so bad because it means the weekends come quicker, but i don't like this 'life is pissing away' feeling. I have no time to work out anymore and that makes me upset. I have no time to hang out with friends during the week which also makes me upset. Perhaps during winter break i will go all out and get buff and drink and smoke and drink and smoke etc. I want something amazing to happen soon. Life is getting pretty dull and lifeless. I need something to look forward to. Halloween is approaching and that's something to work towards, but as fast as it is coming, the faster it will have come and gone. Then it's Thanksgiving which is my least favorite holiday.

Yesterday i bought most of my halloween costume for under 40 bucks. All i need is the wig and a bag of dum dum lollipops or something. I gotta say it, i am so good at putting together halloween costumes. I found every element of her costume PERFECTLY. I went to Marshalls and found everything i was looking for exactly. I even found her red beanie hat which is so adorable and something i can wear in the winter all the time. I wish i had more time to do some situps or something before i go waltzing around with my stomach showing. I am really excited about this one, i just wish the shoes didn't hurt so much. I have to prepare at some point tomorrow. I need to find, and perhaps cut, my wig, buy stockings, buy beverages/food... aaaaand liquor. If possible, get a haircut. I believe that's the checklist.

Haha, when i was at Marshalls purchasing the sweater something funny happened. Mind you, the sweater is a knit, off-white button down thing which i will probably never wear ever again. It looks much like Matilda's in the movie, but as for something stylish its just not in the bag. Anyway the lady at the register, a little old indian lady who barely spoke english, was ringing up my garments and stopped when she saw the sweater and went "GASP! This is a really nice sweater," in garbled english, "is this cotton?" and looks at the tag. "I have to go find this, it's beautiful." she said. I found that very amusing.

Tomorrow is my so called halloween party. Nobody responded to my invite on myspace, but everyone i talk to says that they can't access it, i dont know whats up. Maybe when i get home tonight, at around 11pm, ill send out another one. Whats the point though? It's tomorrow night. I don't know. I'm looking forward to some sweet pictures and photoshoots even if its just me and three other people. It's an excuse to dress up and get drunk. That sounds like a party to me.

I just want today to be done with. Its only 4:13 and i dont leave for school until 5 and dont get home til 11. I want to be free of these tests. I want to be free of this week's responsibilities.

[

mood

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sick

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I am laying here in Teddy's bed. My right arm is turning black from frostbite because the air conditioning vent is right next to me. I am just starting to regain strength, but my head is still spinning and i find it hard to move. I just feel so foolish. This sort of thing happens all the time when it shouldn't. You would think i'd learn, but i never do. I can't really think of anything to say besides how much my head hurts right now. I find it strange that i am still feeling sick. I just want to close my eyes. Let me close my eyes for a minute...

Soo I'm back. Teddy came into the room and is watching TV with me. He's twirling his hair, which looks like it got lighter from the sun. He looks good in white, but that shirt still has tape residue on the front of it from the tags.

Man, i can barely think, i feel like crap.

C ya

[

mood

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nostalgic

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If there is one thing that i enjoy in this life it is warm weather. Spring break is made so much better when beautiful jersey days come along with it. I slept with the windows open last night, it smelled wonderful. Alas, another snow will freeze the confused cicadas who decided to clear their throats last night.

A bird built its nest underneathe my air conditioner. They make a ruckus in the morning, but i like them there. They are my new companions. I also think that bees are living inside my air conditioner. That's going to be a fun little journey.

The comment that Kaitlin left me (the Walt Whitman excerpt) is so inspiring. It is what my new background is based on. It's sort of a crude drawing, but i think that's what makes it interesting. Then again, all my drawings are crude, that is something i simply can not help. I was originally going to draw a blue flower... it became an eye. I can't wait to drive cross country, though. I don't think there is anything i desire more than to drive through the desert. I am going to time it just right so we drive through it at the break of dawn. I also want to take pictures on a pier in California, really become Freedom and Enterprise, you know? Even for just that moment. We'll tell some stranger with an Indian swirl the story of Texas radio and the big beat.

I am infatuated with nature today. I don't know what it is, but the air reminds me of summer days when i would sit in front of the computer and write journal entries about my fear of death. I don't think i fear it anymore. Now i am just curious about it. But there air definitely reminds me of high school days. Specifically i remember how the setting sun would make my room look so lovely, casting an orange hue upon it. My door would open and shut over and over because the windows were open. Sometimes it would SLAM shut, scaring the shit out of me. My hair would still be wet and my shoulders, sticky, from the dripping mousse. But what i lreally ong for, most of all, are those sounds of summer. Roy (the icecream man) ringing his bell, letting everybody know that he is coming and going. I could never get together a dollar in time. "Oh well, he'll be back tomorrow. I'll put this dollar somewhere where i can get it easily." And sure enough he was back bearing three flavors of bubble tape. I was never interested in ice cream on a stick. I favored the sugar that would last longer than ten minutes. One night this summer i am going to pay Roy a visit... and now probably a dollar and thirty five cents... for some bubble tape.

It is getting cooler as the minutes pass. It is supposed to snow all day tomorrow into Saturday. I am worried about how easy it will be to get into the city. I'm going to take the bus again. That is my new favorite mode of transportation into Manhattan. I've only just started doing it and now i'm kicking myself in the ass for not doing it sooner. It is extremely relaxing not having to worry about parking in Harrison. I bet if i take the bus tomorrow the lincoln tunnel will be delayed. Either way, the snow poses a threat to this adventure. It couldn't just have stayed warm for the weekend, could it? Of course not.

Who's getting their drink on for St. Patrick's Day? I know i am! I have a special shirt with a shamrock on it just for the occasion.

[

mood

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indifferent

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Well it certainly seems to be raining shit on Kelly Byrne this glorious evening. It's as if the skies today opened up and started to pour on me and only me. I sit here in a cluttered room which closely resembles the emotion i am feeling; disheveled, unorganized, and starving for a clean sweep. As it gets darker i feel more at home, at least. I'm dressed in black and am beginning to feel invisible even to myself. I think i need to just disappear. Maybe if i lay down on the carpet i'll eventually meld into it.

Something that makes me happy lately: My hair has finally reached a pinnacle. It has finally grown long enough for me to twirl and twirl and twirl. What's more is that it can finally reach my upper lip. It's a soothing passtime to twirl and polish a lock with my fingertips just enough so that it glides across my lips. I can do it all day long. When i was a kid i used to have a teddy bear named Timmy. I used to suck my thumb and rub his tag across my upper lip when i fell asleep. I suppose old habits never die.

Memory is a cruel form of torture. However, it's probably not the memory that hurts, it's the longing to relive. There are a number of things i would do differently if i had the chance. Maybe time travel could actually be a reality. Let's think about what we would need to travel in time. Some sort of device that works against it. What works against time? Einstein think's velocity has something to do with it, but that only works if you want to travel forward. I think the only way to travel back in time would be to wait. Think about it, if the universe is infinite, then that means there are infinite possibilies. The posibility of my exact life replaying again somewhere in this universe or another universe is a sure thing. It may not happen until an infinite number of years from now, but when it does i'll be ready. I look forward to that time. I swear i'll make better choices.

Maybe it won't be an infinite number of years from now. Some say that the universe is still expanding. Once it reaches a certain mass it will collapse into its own gravity and there will be another big bang. Maybe that's when it will start all over exactly as it was before. There is also the possibility that entropy is preset. Sure it may be chaotic when the observer looks at it now, but if this has all happened before then nothing is chaotic. There is order and balance no matter how chaotic it may seem. There may be a possibility that all of this has happened before in the universe previous to ours. I wonder if i was telling myself to do things differently then. I wonder if i succeeded. My spirit ancestors are probably wondering why i never get it right. That's probably why i am feeling so miserable today. The skies have opened up and my spirit ancestors are casting their disgrace upon me. If reincarnation exists come back as a bird, you moron!

Embrace it, Kelly. Learn from your mistakes.

PS: MY NEW RELIGION IS INFINITISM

[

mood

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indescribable

]

So my existence has taken a dramatic turn. "Do you believe in fate, Mallory?" Yes, i do. So far it seems that things happen for a reason. I may not be able to explain what those reasons are, and it probably means i am going to slip and fall in the shower or something, but whatever happens is probably because it meant to. Now, im not a person who typically believes in anything biblical, but the Devine Plan is beginning to seem plausible. I suppose it can all be explained by coincidental entropy, but damn... these things just don't happen. No, they don't.

Is being alone really as scary as people say it is? Am I in for a rude awakening? I can't possibly see how that is, especially under my circumstances. However, I feel like my existence is going to come crashing down at any second. Too many things are happening inside my head, yet nothing is happening inside my head. I feel numb and at the same time i feel alive. Combinations that equal disaster. But i think that is what i need to stir things up a bit. A little devastation, you know what i mean?

Learn to deal with pain and rejection. Learn to deal with the horrors of being alone. Find out who you are and find out what needs to be done to feel fulfilled. Find the passion all over again, the passion that you've lost some time ago when you forgot about your dreams. Do something with your life. "And don't read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly." Instead, be in the beauty magazines. Tear yourself out of the pages and make a collage of the good times and the bad. Step back and say to yourself, "This is my work, and this is what i'm proud of." Don't be afraid to be you. People may not like you, but you don't care. You've just made the masterpiece of a lifetime and no one can tear it down because it's made out of raw passion.

Am i alive? Have i forgotten how to live? I think i may have. I think it's time to be reborn, take life by the horns, and shake the little bastard until everything i need falls neatly into my pocket. I only fear that i don't have the grit.

[

mood

|

bored

]

I haven't written in a while. Roxanne, sorry for not getting you the cell phone number i'm using, i don't know the number off the top of my head. I'll text your cell phone with it when im finished writing.

Let's see. I feel pretty confident about school nowadays, which is something i'm not used to. I like being a math major for a couple of reasons. 1) I love the challenge! 2) Homework isn't homework, it's like doing Sudoku puzzles in the New York Times. and 3) I love the impression it gives lol. It's awesome telling people you are a math major because everyone is always so impressed. It's not really that hard, at least not now. Being an english major is probably more demanding. Then again, i'm just starting. I bet when i get into Quantum Physics and Statistics things will spice up a little more.

I've noticed a couple of changes about my social behavior compared to last year. I'm not as quiet as i was last year. I think i was so fucked up because i was really self-conscious. I tried so hard to lose weight and look pretty that it got the best of me and i felt like i was being judged. Now, i haven't been to the gym in months, i'm a flabby, lazy, pot-smoking, working student and i just don't care anymore. It's weird because i felt a lot prettier last year but was unable to socialize. This year i hate my appearance, but am able to socialize. However, my sex life is more fucked up than it's ever been. I feel so ugly in bed and can't enjoy myself which is not a good thing. I need to get my ass off the couch and get it back in the gym. My lovehands are killing me inside.

I wish there was something more fun to do than go to the gym. I wish i was involved in a sport or something. It's too late to sign up for anything because everyone else will already be in shape, i'd just bring them down. Who the fuck am i kidding? I'll never sign up for a sport. I was thinking of purchasing a cardio dance tape just because i think it would be fun. Normally i would start running on my mother's treadmill to get myself ready to go back to the gym, but fucking Moose's presence fucks that up. I don't know why, but whenever i take a leave of absence from the whole "gym" thing, i need to build my stamina on my own before returning. This may be the reason i haven't been back in a while. There have been plenty of times when i really feel like running, but not at the gym, and i can't because Moose has taken over the entire fucking house. For example, my mother is in Chicago for a week... and Moose is still in the fucking house. What the hell is that? They got into a fight a couple of weeks ago and she was about to throw him out, but then they just settled that they are going to get therapy instead.... Okay, they haven't even been dating for a year and they need counseling to keep their relationship working? That doesn't make any sense! Just break up! Obviously it's not working! Jesus Christ my mother is stupid.

Working at my dad's has its pros and cons. It sucks because the work is just so repetitive. After two hours of it i start to go crazy. I say the same thing over and over and over! I don't think i would mind if i was in a room all by myself, it's just that i feel like everyone hates me because i just don't stop! And most days i don't even make $10 and hour. However, the hours are really good. I love how i have the weekends to myself. I wouldn't be able to find that anywhere else. I don't know, maybe by the end of the year i will actually be able to do some recruiting. I would be making phat dollars if i could do that. Baby steps i guess.

I have a little dilemma: I want to cut off all of the disgusting ends of my bleached hair, but i still want to keep it long. Each day that goes by, my split ends get worse and worse and worse. And it's nothing that a little trim will take care of. The nastiness is at least 5 or 6 inches long. That's a year's worth of growing. I love how my hair is long now, but the condition of it is horrendous. I want to go to the hair salon tomorrow, but i still don't know what to do with it. I don't know whether i should cut a couple of inches (which will basically do nothing), or take off a chunk that will leave it just grazing my shoulders (which still won't get rid of the disgustingness, but will take off a significant portion). I just don't know. ALSO, i don't know whether to cut the gross ends off my layers (which i'm also trying to grow out, but are the root of the problem in the first place). I just don't know. I think what i'll do is just get a "dusting" of my layers and cut my hair to where it was in the winter time (just about past my shoulders). This will even things out a bit and take off a lot of the dead hair, all the while leaving it semi-long. It's just gonna be another 6 months before it gets back to where it is now. Like i said this is a major issue... Forgive me for being so superficial.

Alright, i'm done.

[

mood

|

satisfied

]

the Tool concert could not have been more sublime .... =)

life is beautiful tonight

[

mood

|

peaceful

]

Here i am on spring break. It's going pretty well so far. I have been doing something different every day. On sunday me and Teddy looked at a couple of potential places of residence. It looks like the deal to buy the townhouse in Lincoln Park might fall through because the seller is asking 365k while Teddy can only pay 350k. The realtor said that she is in a hurry to sell the place and that we are the only ones interested so far. Maybe she'll give in.

It's fun looking at houses though. His lease runs out May 31st so we need to find a place pretty quickly. I might set up a viewing of a house in Pequannock tomorrow afternoon before going to the city.

On Monday me and teddy went to the American Museum of Natural History. We took the bus from Willowbrook to Port Authority, then the A train to the museum. Easy transportation. Less expensive than the ferry and a cab for sure. We only gave 2 bucks for tix. Saving, you know. It was pretty cool. It was just a big taxidermy display. I had a great time though. We got high in central park on a rock beforehand so that made it even better.

Ran into Jamie there too, did i mention? I can only pray she comprehends how much she is despised. She can't possibly understand that much hatred. I wanted to take my map and bitchslap her across the face and then spit on her. She's genuinely a degenerate psychopath. Ew, enough said. What a crazy motherfucker.

Anyway... me and teddy took the bus back but had to sit seperately because there were so many people. We ate at Ruby Tuesdays. Never a dull moment at Ruby Tuesdays. I rented the movie Prime with Uma Thurman to watch later on that evening. It was alright, i just like looking at her because i think she's so fucking pretty.

Today i went home and Moosey was smoking a cigarette in the house. Fucking christ, now there's some fucker smoking in my house? Gross. I went to Harmon and bought a couple of things and then went to the mall and bought more shtuff. I bought jeans that fit really well and actually touch the floor! How exciting is that?! That's never happened to me before. But dont worry, as soon as they hit the dryer that luxury will be lost... Lost forever.

Roxanne called when i got home and asked if i'd like to chill. We went to pick up some dry cleaning, went to target for windshield wiper fluid, had a funny time trying to fill her fluid tank up around strong gusts of wind, then we went to dinner at TGIFs. Mmm, i enjoyed myself. Me and teddy will probably be back there on a saturday in the near future. Halfway through the meal Roxanne thought of the brilliant idea of going to see the Libertine. We arranged to meet mike there and made the movie just in time to see Johnny Depp finger his wife. Perfect timing.

The movie was mediocre. The editing was so-so. The story was semi-stimulating. The acting was alright. Johnny Depp was amazing as usual, and John Malkovich is indescribably sexy and everybody knows it, even with his age-weight. Well, maybe not everybody, but i think so. It's something about his voice i guess, and his reputation. Overall the movie wasn't the best, but it didn't totally suck. It's always a good time watching Johnny Depp do what he does best. I strongly disliked the girl who played Lizzy Barry. They could have gotten somebody prettier and more talented. I wondered what the casting director was thinking several times throughout the film.

Now im at teddy's and just chilling. I'm excited to go to the city tomorrow. I have to stop home before going to the path to pick up a bottle of alcohol. It was stupid of me to forget it.

OH MY GOOOOD! Teddy just told me that Isaac Hayes just quit South Park because of their views on Scientology. Apparently he's a scientologist. That's so fucked up! No more Chef... god damn, i'm like... depressed. I wonder what they're gonna do about it.

Speaking of depression, i'm feeling a little better. I mean, i'm still worried about my future, but i'm not sulking in darkness anymore. I was PMSing i guess. I still don't like this Moosey guy. I hate my father. I have no future. I have no life. I'm gaining weight. I'm worthless. The only person who can change any of this is myself. I need to find something i'm interested in.

I got another book at Borders the other day. I know i said i was going to get a book on relativity, but another metaphysical book caught my interest. I swear, next time i'll do relativity. The book i got this time is called Mind Power. It delves into the psyche of the self and teaches a person how to alter their conciousness to help increase confidence, decrease stress, and obtain self control. There's also a section on self-hypnosis. This all sounds extremely exciting and beneficial. Maybe i'll learn something. Maybe it's all a crock of shit. Probably the latter, but i'm still interested nonetheless. It's good that i'm reading.

I'm glad i took two semesters of German. I love being able to recognize german words when i see them. I love knowing french words when i see them. I love knowing how to pronounce things. It makes me feel smart that i can do shit like that. I also love my knowledge of astronomy. It's funny; all of the shows on discovery (my favorite channel) are all inferior to me now. It's like i have to turn the channel because i already know all of that shit. It's great! But it's useless knowledge. I'm like Ginger Spice.

I have a stimulation for learning right now. I just want to know everything. This is a good thing. I want to take math courses. I can't wait until that starts.

I'm really excited about going to the city tomorrow. I always am. I'm probably going to get there earlier than i quoted, i always do. I just get antsy waiting around and can't stop myself from leaving too early. That's OK though, i'll just walk around. It's not gonna be too cold out tomorrow. High of 44 in New York, NY. I can handle that. It's no 58 like it was today, but thank god it's not 30 something. I'll take 44 degrees. I really want to get drunk and go to a club or something. That's what i'm in the mood to do.

Richard Nixon has a long nose. What's that all about?

[

mood

|

confused

]

How long is it going to be until i'm happy? I mean, i AM happy, i'm just confused, and that makes me extremely nervous. I literally have NO idea what the fuck i'm going to do with my life. Right now the only thing im interested in is getting the fuck out of class early enough to go home in time for Full House. What kind of existence is that? How unproductive. I seem to be the only one out of everybody i know who doesnt have a thing going for them. Literally. I have no job, I have no future, I have no interests, I have no connections, I have no drive. I do have interests, but they won't take me anywhere. I like to watch movies... not write about them or anything, just watch them. I like to learn about science, but not enough to become a researcher or anything like that. I like to correct/retouch photos on Photoshop, but there is no part time job out there that does that.

I don't have any creative outlet anymore. Last semester i had my creative writing class, and as much as i despised the atmosphere, it still allowed me to write creatively. These theater classes i am in are a waste of time. They don't broaden my horizons THAT much. Sure i'm learning shit that i can talk to Kaitlin about, but that's really it. I don't really have any interest in theater in the slightest. Who's shitty ass idea was it to put me in theater? "It was your idea, Kelly..." Oh... well you're an idiot, dude.

I envy my sister so much for loving school and loving the work she is doing. I wish i had that. I envy Kaitlin because she's doing all of these things keeping her busy. If someone asked her what she was up to she could say a whole bunch of shit. I envy Roxanne because she is soon to be settled into a job where she can practice her trade and make money doing it. She goes to work almost every day and brings in her own money and buys all of her own shit. She has so much character because of it.

What do i do? I go to school, get decent grades (i don't excel or anything), then i go home, fuck around on the computer, watch TV, go to teddy's, make dinner, do my homework, play xbox, watch some more tv, then go to sleep. That is the definition of a person with no direction. I have absolutely NO desire to get a job while i am still in school. I'll get one over the summer, definitely, but while i am in school i just don't feel like it. My problem is that i'm overwhelmingly lazy.

I should get a job, but i refuse to work in retail. I want a real job-like job. One that will stimulate my mind, not just leave me sitting there waiting to leave. And none of this filing or restocking shit. The perfect job would be... "Ok kelly, here is a box of shit, here are the directions, put it together using these tools." That would kick so much ass. Putting shit together. That is my ideal part-time job. But that sort of thing is a man's job. I would be like a lesbian if i had a job like that. But seriously if you can find me a job like that i'll take it. Like, knick-knacks, or just basic assemblage of electronics. I'd really like that and i would be great at it. I can't even think of anything off the top of my head that is anything remotely like that other than construction. Fucking construction. I can't put together houses. Or something like a factory worker. I'd be like The Hairy Ape. God damn it, i'm doomed.

I just need to find my niche. I want to be like my sister. I want to have passion, a drive, motivation. I have none of that. I'm a loser. Look up the word 'loser' in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me sitting on the couch playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Maybe i'm a slacker. Maybe i'm not a loser, i'm just a person who nobody can get off the couch to do anything other than school, and even that is a pain in the ass for me. Why go to school when i feel like it won't get me anywhere? I'm taking two Gen-Eds this semester and the rest are pure bull shit. I've wasted almost 3/4 tuition money. I'm probably going to have to stay back a semester to make that shit up... That is, of course, if i pick a major by next semester, which probably won't work out. I bet if i wanted to declare myself as a Math major i'm going to have to take 3 million prerequesites before i can take any of the required courses for the major. Ugh, i am just not happy. I was thinking about it today, though; I would absolutely love going to school entirely for math or science. However, i don't like any of the career options. I like doing the puzzles and learning about the world and physics, but i wouldn't like any of the careers. How much does that suck? So basically i don't know what the fuck i aspire to do. No wait, i do: Put things together using math and science. Physics labs! I wouldn't mind doing labs my whole life. But the thing is i don't really care to discover something new, i just want to figure shit out that's already been done. Like highschool physics labs. God, i'm pathetic.

I'm gonna try to go to borders and get a new science book each month. Science or metaphysics. Only certain metaphysics though, a lot of it is crap. That would make me feel smart, and make me actual-smart in the process. I was thinking relativity for my next one. I hate the theory of relativity, so maybe all i need to do is read an entire book about the subject to like it.

Ok i guess im done. Teddy says he's hungry, i guess im hungry too. I'll go make us something =)

[

mood

|

cranky

]

I just have to write about my day yesterday...

I woke up with a strange feeling in my stomach. I felt like i was going to be sick but i suppressed it and got ready for school. It was a beautiful day and a pleasent drive. I even had the window cracked a little because the air smelled nice. I was waiting at the light at Rt. 23 when i heard sirens approaching the red light on the highway. Two police men on motorcycles approached the red light and flashed their lights signaling the other drivers to let them through. Right behind them was a black unmarked car with his lights signaling as well and he made it through. I thought that the black car must have been the last police car because nobody came after him. The people with the green light thought no other police cars were coming and proceeded to cross the highway. That was when i noticed another unmarked white SUV approaching the red light way too fast. He wasn't directly behind the other's and i knew this was going to be bad. Sure enough he tried running through the red light thinking that the crossing cars were stopped, but they weren't. He hit a black mercedes on the driver's side, spinning it around 180 degrees. I didn't see the impact because the car in front of me blocked it, but the white SUV skidded out of control directly in my view and tumbled and tumbled and tumbled and tumbled down the highway, bouncing high into the air, tumbling twice in the air over another car before hitting the pavement again landing on his wheeles. My heart was in my throat, my hands were covering my face, i wanted to cover my eyes but i couldnt help but watch this catastrophe. I pulled out my phone and was going to dial 911 but another unmarked SUV pulled up next to him. I couldn't see the driver's condition beacuse the windshield was completely shattered. A lot of people got out of their cars and ran over to the mangled truck. They opened his door but didn't help him out of the car. I suppose you aren't supposed to touch them in case of spinal injury or something. Some other people on the opposite side of the highway hopped over the median in desperation, trying to help whatever way they could. Some men crawled underneath the SUV making sure fuel wasn't leaking. All the while my hands are still on my face and i'm screaming "oh my god! oh my god!" The red light on the highway turned green and the shocked people in their cars who just witnessed this accident had no choice but to drive around a seemingly dead man. When my light turned green i, too, had no choice but to continue on my way to school. I couldn't get the image of that truck tumbling for what seemed like forever. You only see that sort of thing on tv's Maximum Exposure, or some internet clip. When it happens right in front of you it looks like it is happening in slow motion. I've never driven so carefully in my life after that.

I have been reading this book called Life After Life, it is about near death experiences and what supposedly happens to you when you die. One of the things that happens to you is you have an out of body experience. You float like a piece of paper above your own body and are witnessing what is happening around you from a 3rd person perspective. This may sound kinda stupid, but when i was watching those people open the door of that SUV i felt the presence of death. I could almost feel the guy watching his own body lying helplessly in the car. It was the strangest feeling i have ever felt. It was probably all in my head because that book is fresh in my mind, but it was still worth mentioning. I started to think about this man who probably has a wife and kids at home who are going to get the worst phonecall they could ever imagine. No matter what i did yesterday, every time i had a free moment to just space out, the image of that tumbling SUV soared across my eyes. It's going away now, but it's still fresh.

When my light turned green i had to keep traffic moving so i proceeded on my way to school. Like i said, i have never driven so carefully in my life. I called up roxanne because i needed to talk to somebody after that. I have never seen anything so horrible in my life.

Every song that came on my ipod was morbid. It was like it knew what i had just seen. I got my stuff together and headed on up to my yoga class. The weird feeling in my stomach came back. I told my friend Michele about what happened and my hands were shaking. About halfway through some positions i started to feel really sick, like i was going to pass out or puke or something. Luckily class ended in the knick of time. I was going to go to my compuer class to drop off my DVD, but i felt like i was going to pass out so i just said "fuck it" and had the longest, most excrutiatingly painful walk back to my car. I knew i needed to go home and go to sleep. I got to my car and prayed there was some water left in the bottle on my passanger seat. Alas, there was none. But there was some gatorade left from a couple of weeks ago when me and roxanne went to quiznoes. I chugged that down, but it didn't help in the slightest. So i started my car and proceeded in backing out of my parking space, when my brake pedal hit the floor and i started rolling backwards towards the cars behind me. "You gotta be kidding me," i thought as i tried pumping my breaks; that always seems to work. Luckily i stopped before hitting anything. I rolled back into my parking space and called my dad. Mind you, i feel like shit and am about to pass out. He suggested that he come to my car and he'll drive it back to his office while i follow him in his Cadillac.

I think the adrenalin of the moment made the sickness i was feeling to go away because i was feeling fine when he showed up. He drove my car to his office and i followed in his gorgeous Cadilac, which drove so smoothely. He made an appointment for me at a mechanics on route 46 called Obers. I heard the guy on the phone ask, "does she need a ride home?" And my dad goes, "no she'll walk home." Which was wonderful because i was feeling terrific. I got into my car and drove to the mechanic's; my breaks were the worst i have ever heard them. I called Carolyn and asked if she could drive me home from Obers and luckily she had enough time before her class started. Thank god for her, seriously. I would have had to walk all the way home carrying a big bag full of clothes and a heavy backpack with all of my books in it, on top of being extremely ill.

Carolyn dropped me off back home and i went upstairs to email my teachers. My car wasn't going to be ready until like 3 the next day, so i wouldn't be able to get to my theater classes. I emailed her and told her what was up (luckily class was cancelled anyway because of the snow, so i still have a clean slate). I emailed my computer teacher and sent an attachment of what he needed from my DVD that i couldn't hand in. As soon as i finished sending those emails i felt a huge rush of sickness. I collapsed on my bed and fell into a deep sweat. Eventually i stumbled to the bathroom and puked red gatorade into the toilet. It looked like i was puking up blood. That went nicely with the image of the SUV tumbling in my head. I passed out on the cold tile floor for a couple of minutes and went back to my bedroom. I got into bed and fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I woke up to the phone ringing. I was in a stupor and couldn't figure out what the sound was. Someone left a message and that brought me back to reality. It was Spano, he was leaving me 10 minute long messages which were hilarious. I rang him after i listened to the messages which took like 20 minutes and told him about my horrible day. He suggested that i get up and move around to try to feel better. When i hung up with him i surfed myspace for a bit before i heard a car outside. I looked outside and there was a young guy with a shaved head and leather jacket coming into my house and taking the computer. He left. I tried calling my mom to ask what that was all about but i couldnt get in touch with her. It was beginning to get dark and after being awake for a half hour or so i began to get sick again. Eventually i was bed ridden, all alone, in a dark house with no one to talk to because teddy was on a conferance call and my mom wasn't answering her phone. The sketchy guy came back and all i could do was watch this guy come in and out of my house and listen to him talk to somebody. I thought he was a robber, but there was nothing i could do. I was sick out of my mind, teddy's phone just rang and rang, i kept getting my mom's answering machine. I started to cry my eyes out because i felt so helpless. Finally Marrion called and i picked up asking if she knew where my mom was. I told her what was up and then she remembered that my mom was at the hair salon. I called Panico and Judit came on the phone. I asked her to ask my mom who the sketchy guy was and it turned out it was her second cousin fixing the computer. That was a relief. I thought some dude was stealing our shit downstairs. I called Marrion back and told her what my mom said. I made her stay on the phone with me while i went downstairs and turned on some lights. I started feeling sick again so i hung up the phone and climbed back into bed. I was in so much pain at this point. I squirmed around for a while until teddy said that he was gonna come pick me up. I threw up again and used the 10 minute "feeling better" time after you throw up to pack my bags. Teddy showed up finally and took me back to his apartment and took care of me.

He was sick the other night with some sort of food poisoning. He had a high fever and was puking and shit. I must have caught whatever bug he had. I had the worst night of sleep. Today i'm still not feeling 100%. Teddy drove me back to fairfield to get my car in the snow today. That was very nice of him. My breaks are working again and that is a nice feeling.

I can't wait until tomorrow. I still have so much to do to prepare for the party that i didn't have an opportunity to do today like i had planned. We're gonna have a blast you guys! =)

"Let's do this" *thumbs up* - Two T Fruity.

[

mood

|

creative

]

Falling

Surrounded by space, but the earth is getting bigger and bigger
It’s mild out here; no one but me and extremely temperate.
I feel whole. I am blue. I am a new star. This is right.
I’m falling closer to home and it worries me.

I don’t want to go back.
Out here is paradise;
I am warmed by the sun, yet engulfed by darkness.
I am in the spotlight, yet know one’s watching.
I can sing, only to myself. How I love to listen.
No embarrassment, no critics, no judges.
I can see beyond the universe, what no one else can.
Beyond this, I can fly. I can fly. I can fly.

The earth is getting bigger.
I am even closer to home.
Through the sky, I fall.
It’s burning my flesh and now I glow.
Where all can see, against my real home;
The darkness, the stars, paradise.
Now I’m not alone.

Drenched by the clouds,
And now I’m soggy and heavy.
I can fly no longer; For I was snatched from space.
I swim for the darkness, my heaven,
Still the earth gets bigger, with its selfish demeanor.

Surrounded by wind, with burnt-drenched flesh
Pollution stinging my wounds.
The atmosphere here, nasty, with intentions
Of bringing my body, fast, to the ground.
Which continues to grow faster, quicker
As I fall, fall, fall.

This is it, this is the end.
I’m ready to die, I desire no more.
My fall broken by the ocean
I splash and kick to the surface
But the familiar sun seems to fade
As the earth relentlessly pulls me down
Where it’s dark, but cold.

The predators smell my blood
And gnaw at my bones
Scraping their teeth against the marrow
Sending creeps through my veins
And lightening through my conscious.
Devouring what they can before I sink
Below the pressure they can’t tolerate.

Still I fall. A carcass without flight.
Into an infinite abyss where mercy is beheaded.
A place far from paradise.
Where my tolerance is ever-lasting.
And my soul is dying for as long as I’m falling.

by Kelly Byrne 11/06/05

[

mood

|

depressed

]

I had the worst day at school today... it was just one incident that completely traumatized me forever.

First off, i woke up this morning feeling unexplainably depressed.

So i am sitting there in my writing class. He asks for people to read and one kid volunteers. He read and he did fine. He usually never calls on anybody to read out of nowhere. But today for some reason he called on me. And everybody who reads my journal knows that i have no real social anxiety so this wouldn't be a problem for me. But i started to read and felt this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and nervousness. I couldn't breathe when i was reading so i was just belting out words not putting any emphasis on any of them. Then i would run out of breathe but still continue to read so it sounded like i was speaking without any breathe behind my words.

After a few sentences of not being able to breathe i felt like i was going to pass out. I was shaking violently from nerves or something and tears started to swell in my eyes because i was so embarressed. Then my words started to stagger like when you start to cry. This happened like 2 sentences into what i was reading and i still had like 10 more long sentences to go. I was physically freaking out and the entire class knew it. You could sense the awkwardness. I contemplated just stopping alltogether and walking out of the room, but i knew that would be really embarrassing so i tried my hardest to finish.

I would take in a deep breath hoping that i could read an entire sentence without having to breathe between words because i just couldn't figure out how to do it for some reason. I would run out of breathe and pause to catch my breathe. And about halfway through the paragraph i had to pause after every sentence i read to catch my breathe. My heart was racing and i started sweating and i started to cry a little. My bottom lip started to tremble. I had to stop twice between two sentences and take about 7 seconds to breathe in and out and in and out so i wouldn't full fledge have tears streaming down my face and so i wouldn't pass out because i couldn't breathe. The class must have thought i was a complete moron. I sounded like i had a severe case of anxiety for reading in public. You all know i never had a problem with that before!

So my eyes began to swell up and my words became all shakey. I CLEARLY sounded as if i was crying, which i almost was. I continued to break for 5 seconds after each sentence to breathe and try to relax, but it wasnt working. I stopped completely after the second paragraph and refused to continue. My professor goes... "Very good." How condescending.

That's never happened to me before. I was humiliated. It was the worst, *most* awkward experience *of my life*. I don't have social anxiety!!!!!! WTF was that!?!?!?!? I don't ever want to step foot in that class ever again! It's one thing after another in writing class!! First it's them ripping apart/critiquing my essay, then it's me having a complete mental breakdown in the spotlight! Mind you, this was in the first 5 minutes of class, and we sit in a circle so they were all watching me as i was having this out of character scene, so i had to sit there for the rest of the class wanting nothing more than to just run away, into the woods, and shoot my fucking brains out.

I'll never be able to build up my normal persona. I am fucking labeled as a moron and a freak. I WANT TO DIE.

[

mood

|

creative

]

The Cricket Forest
by Kelly Byrne

Being so close to the woods at this hour, I can’t help but feel a little scared. It’s dark; almost pitch black, so I can’t see anything. Having no vision, my sense of hearing heightens. Every rustle, ever cricket, I can hear perfectly. I don’t like having this super hero characteristic.

I feel so alone out here. If I screamed would somebody hear me? Of course they would this is an apartment complex. But why would I have to scream? There’s nothing out here that can get me. I hope.

I don’t hear much except for the singing crickets, but every few minutes I hear something rustling in the woods. Every time it sounds like it’s getting closer. The soothing sound of the crickets halts with the beast’s footsteps. I know the crickets won’t hurt me, it isn’t their intention, but the creature that is large enough to create the sound of footsteps, he may want something extra from me; like my life.

Logically thinking, what beast could sully the peacefulness of this night? If the lights were on, I’m sure I would see a deer, or a raccoon. They don’t want anything from me in the daytime so why would they bother me at night? Still, I know on the walk back to the apartment, when my back is turned to the forest, that’s when they’ll pounce. They can sense my fear and will take this as an opportunity to strike back at the humans for all of their relatives we have killed on our roads of death. The deer will charge at me with its sharp antlers and the raccoon will nip at my ankles with foam spraying from its mouth. I’ll need to run back home so they can’t catch me. It’s the only way I’ll get out of this alive.

I can sense their anger toward me. They are driven by the distant sound of Route 287 roaring and humming. It reminds them of once silent nights when there was no sound of humans bustling about on their way to nowhere. They know tales passed on from their ancestors. They dream of times when the only threat from humans was the occasional arrow through the heart, when life was life. They know that grass tastes better than pavement. It all sounds much more peaceful when the fauna died of natural causes and lay to rest in tall blades of lush fern. As opposed to these days when they are run over by a metal machine leaving trails of blood for a half mile on the way to A&P only to be run over once more on the way back home. They’re angry at me, I know it. They want me dead. They know I’m here and they’re coming after me.

I don’t want to die tonight. I’m much too in love with the sky. I can see the sky clearly, and I can’t hear it. It’s beautiful in its simplicity. And at this very moment, it poses no threat to me. Man has done nothing to hurt or kill the sky. It has nothing against me. It sits their quietly telling stories of Orion and Ophiuchus and for that I praise it. This is the only time when you can look the God of War straight in the eye and marvel over his beauty. Mars doesn’t twinkle with the rest of the stars. It stands out overhead, slightly southeast, and glows with an orange tint. Tonight I can hear the music of the spheres, it chirps like the crickets aiding the God of War on its path to the western horizon.

Suddenly the beast in the woods is no longer a threat to me. I have found the beauty of the darkness in the night sky and its music. Those footsteps in the cricket forest are just percussions adding to the symphonic beauty of the night. The cold October air carries it well to my ears. Each minute it gets even colder and each minute I adapt more to the environment I have found solace in. My lungs, once tight from a cough caused by cellar dust from yesterday’s project in the basement, have now been cleared of all impurities. I can breathe deeper and smell autumn’s arrival.

My eyes have adjusted to the darkness. My super hearing has died down now that I have regained my vision. The creature in the forest has fled. He can no longer sense my fear because I am no longer afraid. The rustling I hear now is but a squirrel gathering nuts, preparing for hibernation because he too can feel the nip of fall’s chill. The only thing that seems to be disturbing this sound of natural silence is the roaring and humming of Route 287 far off in the distance. Being so close to the cricket forest at this hour, I can’t help but enjoy the music.

[

mood

|

pleased

]

BEFORE




AFTER

[

mood

|

depressed

]

Watching south park... it's the dolphinoplasty episode.

I dont know, i'm not feeling myself these past couple of days. I feel fat and disgusting. I kind of wish i had an eating disorder, maybe then i wouldn't eat so much. Is that wrong? I belong in hell. Seriously though, i'm a bitch. I just need to start exercising again; i'm really lazy. I haven't gained any weight, but all the muscle i made over the summer is gone. Maybe when i start working out again i'll finally reach my target weight.

One of the shirts i bought from express is made out of the most amazingly comfortable fabric. It's so soft and warm... I wish i was wearing it right now.

I've got blisters on me fingers... I learned how to play a couple of more songs on the guitar. I know the notes that need to be played, i just need practice making it fluent and switching chords and shit. It's hard, but it's fun. I can play the intro to Come As You Are and The Man Who Sold the World fluently. I got a lot better at Wonderboy. I learned how to play Friendship by Tenacious D. I learned a little of House of the Rising Sun by The Animals and Outsider by A Perfect Circle. The perfect circle song is really fun. They rock.

I'm gonna go watch Teddy hook up the wireless keyboard and mouse to the tv/computer.