Who can i vent to without me getting pissed or someone else getting pissed? Right now I think i'm just pissed in general, but I hate that no one understands me on this one.
Now this is probably the worst place to post something like this, but there is a better chance of someone reading this blog rather than my livejournal. Not that it matters that anyone reads this, but i think it just helps me out knowing that the odds are better. The notion of my conflicting thoughts being read is more therapeutic than writing plainly for only my eyes to see.
Cutting to the chase: Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but it's fucking ruining my life. I hold it in such high regard, but too high of a regard so that its all i fucking think about. I'm slowly becoming a loser; I can't speak, i can't think straight, i have no more creative outlet, i am simply demotivated.
I understand that my thoughts about this subject will offend my nuclear "family," but it is definitely something i feel strongly about. I don't know what it is, but whoever i talk to about this seems to think that my problem is not a problem at all. They say it's simply me being lazy. Call it me being me, if you will. Perhaps i'm just a demotivated person in general and i always have been, but damn it i just don't feel right anymore.
Granted, nothing makes me feel more right or more at peace. Wait a second, that's a total lie. I feel paranoid as fuck every time. Why do i continue it? A simple game of scrabble can send me down a dark tunnel of anxiety. What are the perks? I suppose you could say it helps me relax, but that couldn't be further from the truth. When i do it all i can feel is an element of fear. Nobody else understands this. I mean, I tell people, but they just think i'm crazy. Nobody else feels the fear? I find it hard to believe that i am the only individual who feels that. And why am i still doing it if it makes me feel this way? It's an addiction, maybe. Not maybe, DEFINITELY! I am psychologically addicted. Is regular life that boring that i need to go ahead and make it frightening?
It's the fear that keeps me from doing the things i want to be doing. I need to find some sort of hobby to keep my mind occupied, but i fucking hate everything! Is that another branch from the problematic trunk? Do i hate everything because i have forgotten how to enjoy something without it?
I left Teddy's tonight because i just wanted to be alone. Maybe that's what i need, more alone time. More ME time. More time to do the things that i would normally do if i were alone. Maybe I don't write anymore because i used to do it to pass the time. Now that my time is occupied with something else i have no need to waste it.
Maybe tonight is all i need. This will be the first time in a long while that i will spend the night alone in my room. Something about this feels really gratifying. And please don't be offended, understand this if anything. A person, when feeling aggravated and in a war-like state of mind needs to set off dynamite. I can't be blowing shit up in someone else's house.
(Disclaimer: Please don't be offended) I forget how comforting my room is. I love it so much in here. This is a spawn of my creation and it brings me such peace of mind and comfort being here. Sure it's a little messy right now, but it's my mess. Everything is in it's right place even though its on the floor. The only person to complain about this mess is me and right now i don't give two shits, I actually like it. There is so much of my character here and it must feel lonely without me here. The walls must weep when i leave, but they straighten themselves up when my car pulls up. They don't want me to see them in their most vulnerable state. It will be a shame when the day comes where i'll have to pack all of this shit up and say goodbye forever. Good lord, that thought depresses me. I love being with my family, but I know that my room is always here waiting for me if need be. Tonight i needed it... desperately.
I want my words back. I want my dreams back. I never did anything i sought out to do after highschool. I had so many visions of how i would feel and be at this point in my life, but i have let all of my ambitions run right past me. I've hit a brick wall and i want to tear it down. I need a little adventure, a little excitement. I want something amazing to happen and i don't want to feel any repercussion. Sometimes i feel like all i do is piss someone off. Whatever i do, i feel like someone is either mad at me or i'm making an ass out of myself. Don't ask me to explain this any further. I can explain it further, but i wont. This dilemma is a little too personal for a myspace blog. This dilemma is something to be written in a secret place.
Good lord, i want to be a part of something remarkably creative. I want to be a part of the entertainment industry, but i dont know where i would fit in, or what i am qualified to do. I stopped editing so I'm out of the loop with that. I stopped making digital art, i stopped writing, i stopped everything i always wanted to roll with creatively. I want to write something epic. I wish i had an amazing story i could tell, but I suppose i'm not that of an amazing person. I don't do anything worthy of the interest of the masses.
Perhaps i've lost all of my passion. I am telling you, its not my age, its not the state i am in, its the fucking trunk, man! I am too demotivated to even be passionate about anything. I'm studying for my first Actuarial exam, and granted as i am slowly getting better at Probability, i don't feel passionate about it. It's fun to sit there and try to figure out problems, but is that really what i want to be doing? Shouldn't i have more of a liking for the path i've chosen? Is my theory of "floating like a feather in the breeze" biting me in the ass? The wind is taking this feather and landing me in a fucking pillow factory. I'm going to be stuffed into a half polyester, half cotton lining with the rest of the sheep and be sewn into a dark world i don't think i want to be in.
Still, i press on though. I'm not totally convinced that its going to ruin my life or anything, but i wish there was a little more adventure in what i'm going to be doing. My ideal job would be to help make movies. Doing what exactly? I dont know. All i know is i want to be a part of something totally creative and i want to feel the satisfaction of knowing that i am proud of my work. I'm not exactly the sharpest math tool in the shed. Sure i am alright at problem solving, but when it comes to adding or subtracting quickly in my head i'm a fucking moron. And it fucking kills me inside every time someone says to me "aren't you a math major?" Yea i'm a math major, and i'll kick your ass in a differentiation contest, but ask me to subtract $25.34 from $100 and i freeze Hand me a calculator and i'll tell you how the world spins, but don't ask me what you might ask a 4th grader.
(Disclaimer 2: Some serious egomaniacal shit coming up) I want to be a model, truly and honestly, but i'm too fat. My waist isn't small enough to do the modeling i want to do. Plus I'm a little freaked out. I think i waited too long and now there's no hope. By the time i finally get my waist the right size i'll be too old. I already am too old. I think i waited too long to be "discovered" and it never happened so I've given up. I made it to the top 10 in NYC at the America's Next Top Model tryouts, but i wasn't well spoken enough, i guess. Maybe they didn't like my freckles. Maybe i should have gone to the taping more prepared than i was. I figured i would just get up there and wing it, but when the camera started rolling i realized how uninteresting i am to most people. Being from New Jersey and liking to travel and rollerblade is not something Tyra Banks wants to hear about. She wants to hear that i was raped and beaten as a child or something and that i've overcome my obstacles. I guess they don't want some chick who might be a math major, but doesn't like to talk about it. A girl who has had some bad things happen in the past, but would never in a million years go on TV revealing all of it. That's just not my style. Or maybe it was the suggestion, "Tell Tyra why you're amazing!" that threw me off a little bit. Because i seriously tried to think of why i am amazing. Couldn't think of one thing. They'aint nothing amazing about this chick here.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not a self loathing piece of shit who shouldn't be alive in the first place. I'm just looking for the right path. I know nothing is going to be handed to me, but i just want a little break. I want to skies to open up just once and give me the tiniest shred of opportunity to do something amazing. So far the only thing i have going for me is my trip out west.
That's definitely something i'm passionate about, trunk (metaphor) problems or not; Traveling. I want to see everything i possibly can in this lifetime and nothing, not even the trunk, can stop me. I'm too set in my ways about this. I manage to get enough done, which is minimal at this point in time, to experience as much of the world as possible. Perhaps i'm still waiting for that life altering epiphany that might get somewhere on the road. Hey, I can dream, can't I?
Maybe one of these days i will get the trunk under control and who knows, maybe i might rediscover a dormant passion that will sculpt a brighter tomorrow.